Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
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My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
how high up are we talkin’?
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked