Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
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Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Breaking news:
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!