Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
You Might Also Like
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Doug is just Canadian for dog
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.