Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
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ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.