Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
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“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
are there any atheist mantises?
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.