When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
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If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?