Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
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Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”