-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
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Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
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me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
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@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
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*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Why font matters.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
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my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
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Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.