Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
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me doing my best
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.