My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
where the womens at?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Yup.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.