Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
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Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
nobody’s gonna understand
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”