I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
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if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
There’s always that one guy
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice