Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍