Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
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A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.