Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?