People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?