Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
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My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
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