My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
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[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda