Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
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I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
If snakes were wide
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
😂 amazing answer
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave