I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
set yourself free xox
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Word.
~ Microsoft.