Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
You Might Also Like
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.