HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
You Might Also Like
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
adam and eve had first world problems
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?