My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
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Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?