Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I’m putting together a team
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor