So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
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You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Just how popey was the pope today?
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Spa day..😅
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Banking tips
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
buys donuts instead
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
this could fix me
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.