[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
pat pat
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus