Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You are what you delete.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Yup.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.