Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!