“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
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McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.