If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
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The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*