Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
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I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
buys donuts instead
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
the Monday after daylight savings
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.