You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
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Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.