A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
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[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Good advice.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.