If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
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Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
2023 was just a warmup
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*