Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]