7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
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Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My beach vacation Google searches
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose