fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
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My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.