GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
You Might Also Like
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then