My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.