Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
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Thank you corporation very cool
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid