My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer