Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
You Might Also Like
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
We all have our pet causes.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I can fix him.