I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
When I snag the last meatball.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Good Morning.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.