I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
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I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Camping tip: No.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Need WebMD
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
The days of good grammer has went
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.