So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.