cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
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The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
some Old Testament wisdom
hackers play passwordle
new year update: losing everything but weight
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene