Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again