There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
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Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.