“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
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Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked