Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
I am yelling
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers